if not yours, what am i?, by crimesididntcommit

if not yours, what am i?

by crimesididntcommit

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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of SILK., Can't Quit You, Defensive Wounds, Pink and Blue, SKILL ISSUE., Sentimental., Recovering, Limerence, and 11 more. , and , .

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1.	a room without a view 04:06	lyrics	buy track
if not yours, what am i? what am i? thawing ice melts inside, inside there is a fire i cannot hide, and when you tell me i will open wide i'm not sure who i am without you what am i, what am i if not yours? if not yours, what am i? what am i? i'm not sure where i go from here-- -- maybe i'll go to a hospital, maybe i'll be found dead your absence is what i carry so why don't we wed? why don't we wed? you said we'd marry within two years and now it's all just as i've feared abandonment, familiar tears, they don't make a difference since you're not here if not yours, baby, what am i? what am i if not yours? if not yours what am i, what am i, what am i? my mother misgendered me, it didn't mean anything, but god, it still stings dear dysphoria, hear my pleas, let go of me please release if not yours what am i, what am i? what am i if not yours? if not yours what am i, what am i? maybe i'll go to a hospital, maybe i'll be found dead i'll wear this ring that you gave to me and wish we were wed or wish i was dead in this room i don't get any sleep just strangers checking on me to see if i breathe if not yours, baby, what am i? what am i? what am i if not yours? what am i? i am not enough
2.	last to leave 02:13	lyrics	buy track
i can't stop this thing from falling apart another drink, another hopeless start i'm getting sick from all the cocaine we bought i can't give this another thought i get lost sometimes and i don't mind i get lost sometimes and i don't mind another night spent in the dark; try as you can but it'll leave a mark it's getting faster, i don't want it to slow i want to crash on the side of the road we get lost sometimes and we don't mind we get lost sometimes and we don't mind no, i don't know about you for sure but i just cannot take this shit anymore my misery is a repetitive bore please don't pay attention just try and ignore
3.	stay with me 03:17	lyrics	buy track
swallowed in your deep i can't find anything but you following dead leaves i'll always see you in my sleep won't come don't leave me now if it's in you, i don't care if i drown i'm waiting to pass out again so i can see you in my head so stay with me, stay with me, tonight tonight eclipsed by your kiss, i'll never let go of this i feel my emptiness subside from your bliss just stay with me stay with me stay with me tonight
4.	heaven 03:57	lyrics	buy track
in midnight empty towns in bloodstained wedding gowns i know it's you i've found leaking from my mouth i know i said i'm tired but i am not finished if heaven doesn't have you, i don't wanna be in it i'll hope that your sins cling to my skin if love isn't everything, not having it is i will wait for you if it's all i do i will wait for you if you want me to just want me, too if heaven doesn't have you, i don't wanna be in it if god could call this hell then he can keep his distance i don't want his pearly gates or his mindless assistants with your hands on my face i know you're my religion i am aching for your taste to fulfill all my wishes i will never hesitate to find you in my vision i want to hold you close and never let go when we are intertwined it's when we both know: we will make it through we will make it through and i'll stay with you if you want me to, just want me, too another late night is all i hope to be given if heaven doesn't have you, i don't want to be in it hell here with you is better than anything else i don't care if it hurts myself i will stay with you if you want me to i will stay with you if it's all i do, just want me, too drive into this night, no more sunlight the darkness in your eyes shines bright enough for me enough for me your dark is enough your dark is enough
5.	purgatory 04:10	lyrics	buy track
could you come back to me? could i even let you see? these aches keep burning with you i felt so free come now, come back to me please give me everything i never get to break free from this purgatory of me me oh, oh... could you come back to me? is it ever gonna be what i need? are you ever gonna be who's next to me? is it ever gonna be what i need? are you ever gonna be next to me again? next to me again or is this the end? another cold indifference another night alone in the dark it's where i hide i'll sit beside that dumpster i kissed you in front of that night in that dress that stole my heart everyone waits for a start, for a spark in their heart to ignite to turn to light could you come back to me? could you come back to me? won't you come back to me? just hold me in my sleep, in my sleep you're gone and there's no one to run to you're gone and there's no one to talk to you're gone and there's no one to run to you're gone and there's nothing that i can do
6.	storming 03:53	lyrics	buy track
i said i would wait, and that's all i've been doing for once i didn't want to remain in the ruins but here i am again, this hole is my best friend in the tired end we drove home in the storm and in my bed i found your warmth something to love, something to want, something to hold onto and you stayed with me you said you would you said you wouldn't ever do this now i'm on my own again swallow some pills and lie to my friends nothing's worth less than what's in my chest you know it the best drops in an ocean of blood and ink, you pulled me up when i started to sink you dragged me to shore and let me breathe and i long for you now that i'm back beneath these waves of myself, i'm bad for my health it's in your arms where i fell for you just stay with me, stay with me, next time don't leave next time don't leave, next time i hope this storm will end and when it does i will see you again i hope this storm will end and if it does will i see you again? in a hospital bed i dreamt of you there was nothing else to do in a hospital room without a view you know i was dreaming of you, my baby my baby, please come back to me is there any way that you wouldn't leave? could you stay with me, or just lie?
7.	silent treatment 03:01	lyrics	buy track
it doesn't get better, we know it gets worse it doesn't get better, we know it gets worse it doesn't get better, just load me in a hearse it doesn't get better, we know it gets worse it gets worse my fears have made themselves come true i know it's all because of you my fears have made themselves come true and they have latched into you just pull me right down, you don't make a sound but in this i'll drown, in it i'll drown just pull me right down, you don't make a sound but i'll drown, i'll drown just pull me right down, you don't make a sound but in you i'll drown, in you i'll drown [the voice of desparation]: pull me right pull me right pull me right down fuck me right, fuck me right, fuck me right down your silence is defeaning your silence is suffocating me it's suffocating me and i want you to squeeze take this life away from me take away my misery take this life away from me oh my dear, please kill me oh dear, please kill me oh dear, please kill me oh dear, please kill me take this life away from me, away from me, baby
8.	talk to me 03:42	lyrics	buy track
i'm not letting anyone else in tonight i'm not letting anyone else into my little lungs too small to breathe, we choke and gasp and then repeat my ocean eyes don't see the sun, you cannot tell just what has begun inside of me and i miss when the only thing was to breathe i miss when you used to want to talk to me i miss when the only thing was to breathe i miss when we used to talk instead of sleep your hidden eyes are all i see, that sudden brown that runs so deep please, just hold me till i sleep please, just want to talk to me honesty's an interruption, let me have this fantasy at my center is your corruption, you don't know just what you do to me and i miss when the only thing was to breathe i miss when we could hear our hearts slow and beat i miss when you used to wanna be with me i miss when we used to never fall asleep every promise, every word is just misheard i guess my duress is where you want me
9.	flowers 03:51	lyrics	buy track
in the dark we always cower playing dead i'll count the hours, hours all we are has been devoured, devoured open my skin, hold me close to breathe me in god is not here, all we are is all we fear i don't want to live like this; i don't wanna just persist playing dead, i'll count the hours, the hours holding onto funeral flowers, flowers open my skin, all we are is burning flowers open my heart, who we were has been devoured open my skin, hold you close to drink you in i am not here; there is no god, just our fears all we are has been devoured holding onto funeral flowers so just take a drink right here and hold me close to hurt me, dear you know all we are is all we fear and i don't think our god is near, near
10.	intrusive thoughts 04:08	lyrics	buy track
i admit that i needed you this time i admit that i need you this time don't you know that my cancer grows inside? i guess that i am not meant for your life there is a tree where our hearts used to be but now there is nothing inside of me there is a place where our hearts used to beat but now your absence is all i can see I AM NOT WORTH LOVING I AM NOT ENOUGH THIS IS THE TRUTH THAT I HAVE ALWAYS RUN FROM I WILL NOT GET MARRIED NO, I WON'T BE YOUR WIFE I AM TRAPPED IN THIS DYSPHORIC HELL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE i admit that i needed you this time intrusive thoughts that coil in my mind in my head is where i will always be remembering when you were loving me set fire to the beauty we have grown here in the end is where i'll make my home, and i guess i am not meant for your life and i guess i will never be your wife, but i admit that i needed you this time i admit that i almost took my life intrusive thoughts that coil through my mind outside of there is nothing left to find if this cold hell is where you want me, i guess i'll stay in hospital beds i guess i'll stay stay with me, stay with me, stay with me next time next time i am not enough i am not enough i am not enough this time i am not enough this time i admit that i needed you this time i admit that my cancer grows inside set fire to the beauty we had grown here in the end i'll always make my home and i guess that i am not meant for your life and i guess i'll never be your wife no wedding dress on my breasts nothing left on my breath i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much why did you abandon me? i needed you this time
11.	already all gone 04:34	lyrics	buy track
there's rain on the streets but it doesn't spatter there's blood on my sheets but it doesn't matter i think you like it, i think we love it this way red rivulets drip down and they stain i can't numb all the things we want to ignore but we can run until we both collapse on the floor we are the lost acts, artifacts of people haunted by imagined pasts we are the last acts, side effects of people who never wanted life to last our lives are forfeit; we never wanted to stay i think you like it this way, i think we love it this way we're not eternal but we can both haunt this place they'll put our dead names on display 'cause we're the last acts, artifacts of people haunted by imagined pasts we are the last act side effects of people we were never meant to last she's taking off her clothes in the bathroom door she's not mine to have but i'm free to explore exhausted, irrelevant waste a bullet hole that leaves no trace of this face the lights are going down and no one reacts no one reacts no one reacts we are the last acts side effects of people with no past no past i lay down and surrender to what we've done and for a second it's already all gone i lay down and surrender to what we've done and for a second it's already all gone already, all gone already? all gone? she looks at me and says, that if we both are dead who will do all the crying? she looks at me and says, that if we both are dead who will do all the lying?
12.	penetrate and swoon 03:20	lyrics	buy track
if you knew it was my last night on earth would you show me what your promises were worth? if you knew it was my last night on earth would you finally take away this hurt? new scars on my sick skin tattoos injected in penetrate and swoon and miss my love with you if you knew this was my last night on earth would you show me what your promises were worth? if you knew it was my last night on earth would you even say a single word? the ice is melting down that i had put my heart in and i'm reminded how i allowed it to harden how could our toxicity blend so perfectly, so perfectly? how could our toxicity blend so elegantly, elegantly? if you knew it was my last night on earth would you show me what your promises were worth? if you knew it was my last night on earth would you finally take away this hurt? it's always the same, just different faces attached to the pain
13.	soft instead 04:02	lyrics	buy track
i started to spiral out i wanted to scream so loud we hold the railing as we wind on down in you is where my heart was found i want to be soft instead of this bitter thing that i have been i want to give myself to you but you have to want me, too glitter on our wings, monitored in sleep another falling leaf another night repeats with the forgotten things all i am wondering is if you will remember me i want to be soft instead of this bitter thing that i'm becoming i want to be soft instead of who i've been for you to take me in i want to be vulnerable with you, only with you you have shown me my heart again you have shown me this ache again you have shown me my love again you have made all of it end and in the place of forgotten things i am wondering if you'll remember and in this constant lack of sleep, i hope that i will see you in my dreams in the hospital room i dreamt of you i've said all of this before but there's only so much room in this heart to explore i'm such a fuckin' bore i want to be soft instead of this miserable thing that i'm becoming i just want to be alone with you alone with you my heart's with you still and all this ink i spill can never get deep enough can never get deep enough
14.	free completely 03:03	lyrics	buy track
i can wait, as long as i can hold you, hold you i can wait, won't hesitate to show you all you do to make me free completely when you're here with me, i am finally, free completely free completely when you're here with me, i am finally, free completely breathing deeply i'll let the ink stain through every sheet if you will stay with me i'll let my heart bleed through every sheet as you will stay 'cause when you're here with me, i am finally free completely, free completely when you're here with me, i am finally free completely, free completely where did you go? why did you take your heart away? where did you go? why did you take the love away? where did you go? why did you take my heart away? when you're here with me, i am finally free completely free completely

about

in the place of forgotten things...

i want to be seen almost as much as i want to be invisible. when people look at me, it's not me that they're seeing.

i can go to hospitals and lose everything to these broken parts inside of my head and my chest, and still nothing will fix them. i am not enough, not for someone else, but for myself, insufficient, incapable of giving myself what i need. so why would anyone else?

i'm always fighting off the simultaneous urges to tape over or shatter every mirror, and to stare in them until i die of thirst. i don't know who that person is in there. was anything ever real? am i even real? or am i a screen for people to project their light onto until it's time to leave?

a month ago it was all going to be perfect. all the promises had yet to break and the future we had created in our heads as vividly as if we had already lived it was waiting with open arms. a couple weeks ago there were people checking on me every fifteen minutes in my sleep to make sure that i still breathed. a week ago the meds they put me on made me want to die even more so i stopped taking them and today it took me three hours to get out of bed. people love to say that it’s better off this way, and maybe it really will be, but the more i live, the more i think: maybe it’s worse.

14 songs about this life i’m loathing but trying to love

credits

released October 22, 2021

my heart is on fire, Forever

all things by crimesididntcommit.

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crimesididntcommit Florida

crimesididntcommit is the transgender electroheartache project of veronica emilyn, fusing darkwave, industrial and goth stylings into genre-defying explorations of mental illness, queer identity and the horrific beauty of being in a body that knows it is alive. crimesididntcommit is for the lost who don’t want to be found. songs ghosts can dance to. ... more

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